Hi-5: Five Women With Expiration Dates

Sofia Loren was 61 years old when she starred in Grumpier Old Men, which could be the second best movie about old men fishing on a fictional lake in Minnesota. I was a teenager when it came out, but I do not hesitate to say that Sofia gave me wood. She strode onto the screen in a low-cut blouse and my fingers went numb from lack of blood. Sofia Loren does not have an expiration date. But these five women do.

In contrast to Sofia, women with expiration dates are women who won’t stand the test of time. Think Janice Dickinson, who looks like The Joker with a tan. Britney Spears, who is equivalent to a dumptruck full of crazy, has already reached her expiration date. So has Paris Hilton, although she may have always been a little rotten -- especially since I think she looks like she’s part Ferengi.

The women on this list haven’t yet reached their expiration date, but the clock is most certainly ticking. We’ve listed them in order from least likely to hit an expiration date to most likely.

Yes, I know this is a shock. She’s hot, she’s in great shape, she doesn't seem to be a total lush, and she’s hot. But that’s the thing about an expiration date: sometimes it sneaks up on you. Did anyone think Britney would lose it so quickly while she was dressed in a Catholic school-girl uniform and asking you to continue hitting her? I didn’t think so. The problem with Biel is that she’s eventually going to start gaining weight, and she doesn’t have the most feminine jawline. In time, she’ll grow that double chin with a side of jowls, and all of a sudden she’ll be screaming “Noooo! They be stealin’ my Bucket!” at the top of her lungs.

Jessica Simpson is functionally retarded. Actually, I apologize to all the retarded people that I just offended, because at least you know what the fuck tuna fish is. Her lack of mental acuity might not be a problem, but I have a feeling that she’s eventually going to have an appointment to get collagen injected into her lips, and she'll get it done, but immediately forget that she had the procedure. Then, she’ll talk to another plastic surgeon and get another injection, and her lips will take the apparent form of two stacks of Carl Buddig thin-sliced ham.

If Mischa had stayed on The O.C., she wouldn’t be on this list. Much like a four year old, if you aren’t watching Mischa she’s going to end up taking a shit in the laundry basket. Since she no longer had handlers from The O.C., Mischa spent most of this year attempting to reach a higher level of consciousness through skeezy boyfriends and smoking up a lot. Last weekend she tried to get her life back on track, but first she had to do a saving throw for “mixing medication with alcohol.” She rolled a 1.

We all took Sienna’s side when that smarmy, formerly-ubiquitous Jude Law screwed their nanny. Then Sienna started to get annoying: she sent threatening letters to the nanny, appeared in numerous terrible movies and threw a series of unnecessarily massive parties. Even all that wouldn’t have been enough, taken alone, to land Sienna on this list. But then Sienna insulted Pittsburgh. You have to understand, people from Pittsburgh are fucking crazy, and at some point one of them is going to kill a deer, cuts its legs off, and then beat the shit out of her with them. She’ll be driving down the road in Merry Old England, and a guy in a Jerome Bettis jersey will just come flying from a tangled heath with two deer legs and an insane smile. Maybe it's months away -- maybe years -- but Sienna has an expiration date, and even the Steel Curtain can't stop it now.

Maxim just named Lindsay its #1 hottest woman for 2007. And then she got arrested for a DUI, but only after she fled the scene. Though she hasn't shaved her head yet, I think we all know where this is going. In between showing us her shaved naughty parts—classy—and being caught on camera in some compromising drug-related situations, Lindsay has also gotten fired from a movie role or two and had the sponsorship of her birthday revoked. At this point, we can only assume that there is a mind-control device implanted in Lindsay’s head, and that is what is causing her to sabotage her career and speed towards her expiration date. Either that, or she’s like Marty McFly, and there’s some Biff-esque cretin out there calling her chicken if she doesn’t show up drunk to her cousin Esther’s Bat Mitzvah. And nobody calls Lindsay a chicken. Nobody.

Chicks with obvious and looming expiration dates are the saddest hot women of all, because they have so much squandered potential. While Biel will hopefully escape this fate, all the others will soon be relegated to the dustbin of history and the masturbatory dreams of yesteryear. They’ll be so wracked by age and craziness that the next generation of teenage boys won’t even try to find naked pictures of them in their prime. And isn’t that what every female celebrity wants? To be gawked at by teenage boys with raging hormones?